John Boehner Hates Free Enterprise Private Insurance, Thinks It Is Mean
Oh, Speaker John Boehner, you historically lazy sack of unnaturally orange suck. Even though you are in charge of the House of Representatives (sort of; let’s face it, everyone knows the teabaggers rule your world), you still haven’t found the time to edumacate yourself on how that whole Obamacare thingy actually works:
“When you look at Obamacare which is a government-centered health care delivery system, that’s not what the American people want,” he said. “The American people want to be able to pick their own type of health insurance. They want to be able to pick their own doctor. They want to be able to pick their own hospital. That’s what a patient-centered system looks like.”
Funny, because when we went to the SocialistObamaHitlerCare.gov website, we saw many plans offered by Anthem, Kaiser and Blue Cross — but none offered by The Government. And a lot of those plans said you can go to any doctor you want, as long as said doctor is in that plan’s network, which is, hey!, exactly how insurance worked before Obama usurped the government. But maybe we were looking at the wrong thing and should have gone to the Republicans’ fake Obamacare site instead?
Funnier still, because you also signed up to be a ‘bortion-lovin’ slut pill-poppin’ death-panelin’ socialist — after bemoaning the impossibility of signing up and also putting the person who was trying to help you on hold for 35 minutes because that’s the kind of dick you are — and, we are guessing, you also saw a number of plans offered by private insurance companies what are not actually The Government.
Donald Trump Shares His Money Secret: You Gotta Be SMRT!
Short-fingered vulgarian Donald Trump excreted this little wisdom-nugget out onto the twittosphere this morning, sweeping away the old Horatio Alger myth and giving hope to millions who figure that they’re easily as smart as Donald Trump. Smartass nitpickers might point out that “supercede” is a transitive verb, and needs an object here, but they are actually big dummies who will never be rich. Cynics might also point out that being a piss-stupid sociopath with good connections will usually get you a lot farther than brains.
American Kids Not Getting Dumber, But Not Getting More Smarter Either
Hello Americans. Today we are writing very slowly, because we know that you don’t read very fast. Or good. And we promise to stay away from complicated math, simple math, and any scientific theories more complicated than gravity, because apparently our kids isn’t learning very good. At all. According to a test administered to 15-year-olds all over the world, per The Hill, “U.S. students failed to reach the top 20 rankings in math, science or reading, according to the National Center for Education Statistics, which organizes the data.”
We’re number 1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1!!! Let’s sexplore what who is more smarter than us.
Fox & Friends Will Not Let Muslim Girls’ Swim Class Destroy America With Aquatic Sharia
Here is Fox & Friends’ Heather Nauert on the teevee yesterday, explaining how “sharia law” is taking over, because a YMCA in Minneapolis-St. Paul is going to hold a girls-only swim class one hour a week, providing Somali refugee girls the chance to learn to swim. BUT! Since men won’t be allowed in the pool area and the only lifeguards and instructors will be women, this is obviously evidence of, as Nauert puts it,
“the minority becoming the majority at one community pool. Sharia law is now changing everything.”
Oh, mercy — what do you want to bet that during that hour of swimming classes, they’re going to learn underwater bomb-making, too! Because in Fox Math, a class for girls aged 5 to 17 is now, somehow, the tyrannic “majority.”
Hero California Republicans Do Their Part For Constituents With Fake Obamacare Site
Hey, this is a funny trick! Crooks and Liars lets us know that Republican members of the California Assembly have been sending out informational mailers (PDF link) directing people to a website that will answer all their questions about the new healthcare law. Isn’t that nice of them? The mailer directs them to CoveringHealthCareCA.com, which looks like a super-official health insurance site, but is actually run by the Assembly’s Republican Caucus, and provides decidedly slanted “resources” about the dystopian future of healthcare.
Does the mailer include a URL for the real state exchange, CoveredCA.com? Don’t be silly! It does at least mention the name of the place, so you can go google it, and the fake website has a teensy-tiny link to Covered California on its homepage, without any mention of what it is. Hey, the whole point of the free market is that people need to make careful choices, so maybe California Republicans are just helping constituents learn a valuable lesson about being skeptical shoppers.
‘Jesus Was A Capitalist’ Is Really The Title Of This Tea Party Nobody’s Rant Against The Pope
Pope Francis has been making a lot of liberals feel funny in the pants (the POLITICS part of the pants, pervo), like when he recently said that capitalism is a buncha bullshit (paraphrasing), and also when he touched the guy with the non-standard skin, even though we didn’t write about it.
But not everybody is happy about the Pope’s new popery. One such not everybody is a man we’ve never heard of before named Jonathon Moseley, a Tea Party Something from Who Cares. Jonathon Moseley has much special knowledge about Jesus Christ:
Jesus was a capitalist, preaching personal responsibility, not a socialist.
Totally, like when Jesus said unto his flock “It is the one who is least among you who will work for the lowest wage, and woe be upon him who formeth a union, for I said so. Also my taxes are too high.” Let us pray.
Deleted Comments Of The Day: You Got Your Red Herring All Over My False Flag
Once more unto the comment queue, dear Wonkenologists, and what do we find? Aha! An astute analysis, by one “michaelfrivero,” of the serious lack of critical thinking in our coverage of Everest Wilhelmen, the gentleman from “Christian American Patriots Militia” who said that as far as he’s concerned, he now has authority to shoot Obama and other enemies of Amurka. Michaelfrivero, who runs him a website called “whatreallyhappened.com,” has this all figured out, and can’t believe how naïve we are:
Obama certainly needs to regain the sympathy and support of the American people and nothing would accomplish that more quickly than for Obama to fake an assassination attempt on himself. Which is what this news story seems to suggest. Again, look for what should be there and isn’t. In this case, what is missing is a reason for anyone actually planning a genuine assassination to advertise that fact on Facebook, knowing the NSA’s computers would flag it and bring it to the attention of the SS (Secret Service).
This only makes sense. Or maybe it could be a delusional idiot who isn’t really planning an assassination attempt, but likes to Sound Tough on the Internet, which is what we were kind of getting at. But let’s find out what else, like the curious case of the dog in the night, simply isn’t there!
Today’s War On Christmas Casualties: Lights In Orange County, T-Shirts What Are All Sold
Rally the troops and calibrate your reindeer-seeking missiles — War On Christmas 2013 is well under way. First up, we have this panicked report from Todd “The Feds will outlaw the Bible as Hate Speech” Starnes, who wants us to know that a neighborhood in Orange County, California, has been ordered to take down every single one of their Christmas lights* and they have to bow down to a graven image of Obama, too. Starnes quotes one homeowner’s plaintive summary of the human rights atrocity unfolding on American soil:
“It’s horrible what they are doing to us and these poor kids,” one homeowner told television station KTLA.
The children! Won’t someone please think of the children?
Prominent in the KTLA report but barely mentioned in Starnes’ blog: The code violation is that the neighbors have strung lights from one house to another, and across the street, which, yes, would be a code violation. Because if one of the houses in the neighborhood catches fire or a toddler chokes on figgy pudding, it would be nice if emergency vehicles didn’t have to contend with low-hanging strings of electric lights, right? Stupid nanny state, thinking of the children that way. Thanks a lot, Obamacare.
60 Minutes did this nice story on the history of the dome. It’s nice, and informative, but we need to get to the really important bit at the nine-minute mark, where the Great Orange Hope gets teary-eyed at the majesty of the beautify monument to Government By The People. Maybe he’s just overawed at the prospect of how much more could be done to thwart getting anything accomplished. Let’s join our ideological opposites over at Daily Caller in a brief moment of bipartisan unity, and share a hearty eye-roll at this twit.
Tea Party Nation Says Defending Obamacare Is Exactly Like Excusing Rape (Which Obamacare Is Worser Than)
Tea Party Nation president Judson Philips, the genius who had a cunning plan to use the Constitution to subvert the 2012 election (except it was unconstitutional), has tired of comparing Obamacare to Nazi Germany, so instead, he’s now comparing it to rape. Next week, maybe Obamacare will be the Ebola virus. Philips emailed the group’s membership this charming article by Darwin Rockantansky that explains that rape is never justified (good for him!) and that it is the height of awfulness to claim that rape is enjoyable for the victim. What an excellent feminist he is! Rockantansky notes that on the teevee program Law And Order: SVU, accused rapists often try to rationalize their actions by imagining that their victims were asking for it, or were being seductive, or enjoyed the experience.
At what point does rape become a pleasurable experience for the victim?
And whom among us are not revolted and angered by such nonsense?
And whom among us are willing to believe that if we “Just lay back and don’t fight it you will inevitably enjoy it.”?
And the “IT” that I am referring to here is “Obamacare”.
The Obama Regime is encouraging people to become the evangelists for Obamacare in their own family and social groups over Thanks Giving dinner. Their message is truly quite simple: Lie back and quit fighting and eventually you will enjoy the experience.
Oh, dear. Um. Sure, Darwin Rockantansky, we invite you to read your essay aloud at the next meeting of the Twitter Feminists’ Alliance. (We have a feeling that you are not an ally.)