Sixth-Grade Virginia Girl Gets Zero-Toleranced For Saving Classmate From Cutting Himself
by Doktor Zoom


This young lady is Adrionna Harris, a sixth-grader at Bayside Middle school in Virginia Beach, Virginia. And she is a pretty decent kid who did a pretty cool thing: last week, when she saw a classmate cutting himself with a snap-off blade segment from a utility knife, she took the blade away from the boy, threw it away, and reported the incident to school administrators the next day. And then she got a gift certificate for a pizza party and a commendation for excellent citizenship, right? Precisely, just as long as you replace “gift certificate for a pizza party” with “10-day suspension” and “commendation for excellent citizenship” with “recommendation for expulsion for violating the school’s zero-tolerance of weapons policy.” We would make a joke about how you can totally tell that she’s a blade-wielding thug just by looking at that rebellious dyed hair, but no, she is obviously a sweetheart who was raised right, with just the small oversight on her parents’ part that they didn’t get around to explaining just how idiotic institutions can be. And now she’s learned that

Read more at http://wonkette.com/#CgWjy5TmlYtUYh1z.99

Sixth-Grade Virginia Girl Gets Zero-Toleranced For Saving Classmate From Cutting Himself

by Doktor Zoom

This young lady is Adrionna Harris, a sixth-grader at Bayside Middle school in Virginia Beach, Virginia. And she is a pretty decent kid who did a pretty cool thing: last week, when she saw a classmate cutting himself with a snap-off blade segment from a utility knife, she took the blade away from the boy, threw it away, and reported the incident to school administrators the next day. And then she got a gift certificate for a pizza party and a commendation for excellent citizenship, right? Precisely, just as long as you replace “gift certificate for a pizza party” with “10-day suspension” and “commendation for excellent citizenship” with “recommendation for expulsion for violating the school’s zero-tolerance of weapons policy.” We would make a joke about how you can totally tell that she’s a blade-wielding thug just by looking at that rebellious dyed hair, but no, she is obviously a sweetheart who was raised right, with just the small oversight on her parents’ part that they didn’t get around to explaining just how idiotic institutions can be. And now she’s learned that


Read more at http://wonkette.com/#CgWjy5TmlYtUYh1z.99



Come Watch Your Favorite Civil Rights Icon, John Lewis, Dance To Pharrell’s ‘Happy’
by snipy



Today is the International Day of Happiness, and no one is happier than delightfully ageless Pharrell. First, there was the epic 24-hour version of his song “Happy.” Then there was the Oscar performance of “Happy,” complete with getting Meryl Streep to shimmy.
All of this pales, however, in comparison to Representative John Lewis dancing to “Happy.”
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Come Watch Your Favorite Civil Rights Icon, John Lewis, Dance To Pharrell’s ‘Happy’

by snipy

Today is the International Day of Happiness, and no one is happier than delightfully ageless Pharrell. First, there was the epic 24-hour version of his song “Happy.” Then there was the Oscar performance of “Happy,” complete with getting Meryl Streep to shimmy.

All of this pales, however, in comparison to Representative John Lewis dancing to “Happy.”

READ MORE



Time Traveling Obama: A Brief Review of the Evidence
by Doktor Zoom


Listen: Barack Obama has come unstuck in time. The evidence has been building for quite a while, since at least 2009, when he was being blamed for the TARP bank bailout program passed under George W. Bush. As his term progressed, it became clear that Obama was also responsible for the collapse of the housing bubble in 2007-08 and the resulting Great Recession, as well as for the military debacles in Iraq and Afghanistan. During the 2012 campaign, Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan blamed Obama for the closures of two different factories that were shuttered in 2008, before Barry’s inauguration. More recently, we have seen that his weak position on Russia’s 2008 occupation of two republics in Georgia, while largely indistinguishable from statements made by John McCain and George W. Bush, actually gave Vladimir Putin the go-ahead to invade Crimea years later. Ansd then, this morning, when Barry Bamz was announcing new sanctions against Russia, Yr Editrix heard him say “The Ukraine,” an antiquated phrasing that the President has used before. And as she took to the chatcave to call for Bamz to be INPEACHED, it all became clear to us: with all that time travelling, Barry just has trouble remembering when he is. We fully expect this discovery to win us both a Pulitzer and a Nobel in physics.

Read more at http://wonkette.com/#CgWjy5TmlYtUYh1z.99

Time Traveling Obama: A Brief Review of the Evidence

by Doktor Zoom

Listen: Barack Obama has come unstuck in time. The evidence has been building for quite a while, since at least 2009, when he was being blamed for the TARP bank bailout program passed under George W. Bush. As his term progressed, it became clear that Obama was also responsible for the collapse of the housing bubble in 2007-08 and the resulting Great Recession, as well as for the military debacles in Iraq and Afghanistan. During the 2012 campaign, Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan blamed Obama for the closures of two different factories that were shuttered in 2008, before Barry’s inauguration. More recently, we have seen that his weak position on Russia’s 2008 occupation of two republics in Georgia, while largely indistinguishable from statements made by John McCain and George W. Bush, actually gave Vladimir Putin the go-ahead to invade Crimea years later. Ansd then, this morning, when Barry Bamz was announcing new sanctions against Russia, Yr Editrix heard him say “The Ukraine,” an antiquated phrasing that the President has used before. And as she took to the chatcave to call for Bamz to be INPEACHED, it all became clear to us: with all that time travelling, Barry just has trouble remembering when he is. We fully expect this discovery to win us both a Pulitzer and a Nobel in physics.


Read more at http://wonkette.com/#CgWjy5TmlYtUYh1z.99



Barack Obama Goes On Ellen To Push His Radical Selfie-Taking Agenda
by snipy



Your president of these here United States Barack Obama visited the Ellen show today via remote, which meant that his picture weirdly floated above Ellen, twice her size, which he probably demanded because of how he is such a megalomaniac even though he is also too a weakling. Anyway, Bamz just came on Ellen to gay ram socialism down the throats of America talk about selfies, the Gap, and China.
Ellen told him she’d aimed to break his most retweeted-tweet record, which is a thing we now actually keep track of, with her EPIC OSCAR GROUP SELFIE which you have now seen one million times. Bamz told her he thought it was a cheap stunt. Though you know this was a completely scripted gentle ribbing sort of exchange, expect a right-wing blog to be argle-bargling within the next hour about how rude and disrespectful Obama is.
READ MORE

Barack Obama Goes On Ellen To Push His Radical Selfie-Taking Agenda

by snipy

Your president of these here United States Barack Obama visited the Ellen show today via remote, which meant that his picture weirdly floated above Ellen, twice her size, which he probably demanded because of how he is such a megalomaniac even though he is also too a weakling. Anyway, Bamz just came on Ellen to gay ram socialism down the throats of America talk about selfies, the Gap, and China.

Ellen told him she’d aimed to break his most retweeted-tweet record, which is a thing we now actually keep track of, with her EPIC OSCAR GROUP SELFIE which you have now seen one million times. Bamz told her he thought it was a cheap stunt. Though you know this was a completely scripted gentle ribbing sort of exchange, expect a right-wing blog to be argle-bargling within the next hour about how rude and disrespectful Obama is.

READ MORE



Startup Tech Bros Will Break Their Chains And Fight For Stock Options, Just Like Rosa Parks
by snipy



Were you wondering who the people facing the most difficulty in America are today? Is it the homeless or critically ill people with no healthcare? Haha of course not. It is tech bros who aren’t getting enough stock options, and the time has come for them to rise up and fight for what is theirs.
Yes, Virginia, there really is something called a “Startup Employee Equity” rally, and it is where overprivileged douchebags come to wish that they were MORE overprivileged douchebags and pretend that working for several times minimum wage already is just like slavery, because what they really deserve are stock options.

Chris Zaharias paced the stage at a recent rally in Palo Alto, Calif., barely able to contain his rage, with a clear message for the audience of 200 frustrated workers.
He called for nothing less than a collective uprising, which he said would need a “Rosa Parks moment.”
The people, united!
“Stocks are the only way engineers can get rich and retire. Remember that,” Zaharias said. “To live here in Palo Alto, you need about $1 million dollars in equity gains. And given that only one in five startups are going to amount to something, you need to get that to happen.”

READ MORE

Startup Tech Bros Will Break Their Chains And Fight For Stock Options, Just Like Rosa Parks

by snipy

Were you wondering who the people facing the most difficulty in America are today? Is it the homeless or critically ill people with no healthcare? Haha of course not. It is tech bros who aren’t getting enough stock options, and the time has come for them to rise up and fight for what is theirs.

Yes, Virginia, there really is something called a “Startup Employee Equity” rally, and it is where overprivileged douchebags come to wish that they were MORE overprivileged douchebags and pretend that working for several times minimum wage already is just like slavery, because what they really deserve are stock options.

Chris Zaharias paced the stage at a recent rally in Palo Alto, Calif., barely able to contain his rage, with a clear message for the audience of 200 frustrated workers.

He called for nothing less than a collective uprising, which he said would need a “Rosa Parks moment.”

The people, united!

“Stocks are the only way engineers can get rich and retire. Remember that,” Zaharias said. “To live here in Palo Alto, you need about $1 million dollars in equity gains. And given that only one in five startups are going to amount to something, you need to get that to happen.”

READ MORE



Bill Donohue’s Cunning Plan To Wreck Pride Parade Foiled By Those Meddling Gays
by snipy



It was only a few days ago that we had to talk ceaselessly about which beer companies were pulling out of sponsorships of terrible bigoted Saint Patrick’s Day parades in Boston and New York City. You’d probably already entirely forgotten about that tempest in a beer mug, but the Catholic League’s Bill Donohue has been sitting alone in a dark room brooding and scheming and sulking, trying to figure out a way to get back at those gays. Jesus appeared to Bill and said “Bill, you shall go forth into the desert, and there you shall see a vision of how to fuck with the Gay Pride Parade.” Bill made his pilgrimage, and came up with this cunning plan: he would demand that he get to march in NYC’s Pride Parade under a “Straight is Great” banner. HAHA GAYS YA BURNT.
READ MORE »

Bill Donohue’s Cunning Plan To Wreck Pride Parade Foiled By Those Meddling Gays

by snipy

It was only a few days ago that we had to talk ceaselessly about which beer companies were pulling out of sponsorships of terrible bigoted Saint Patrick’s Day parades in Boston and New York City. You’d probably already entirely forgotten about that tempest in a beer mug, but the Catholic League’s Bill Donohue has been sitting alone in a dark room brooding and scheming and sulking, trying to figure out a way to get back at those gays. Jesus appeared to Bill and said “Bill, you shall go forth into the desert, and there you shall see a vision of how to fuck with the Gay Pride Parade.” Bill made his pilgrimage, and came up with this cunning plan: he would demand that he get to march in NYC’s Pride Parade under a “Straight is Great” banner. HAHA GAYS YA BURNT.

READ MORE »



Fred Phelps Is In Heaven Now, Calling The Apostles Faggots
by Rebecca Schoenkopf


Wait, you are saying, how could the world’s most out-and-proud bigot, who purposely inflicted emotional pain on the innocent, be in HEAVEN? Wonket, this must be that “satire” or “snark” of which we’ve heard so much?
Sorry dudes, but according to our junior high nuns, if you act according to your sincere beliefs, you are not a sinner, and you get to enjoy eternal bliss at the feet of the Father, whether you are Catholic, Hindoo, Godless atheist, or Fred Phelps. And if Fred Phelps did anything, it was act according to his sincere beliefs. Since our nuns — who showed us Romero, told us sex was a beautiful gift from a loving God, and were general all-around-communists who were right about everything — were obviously (like we just said) right about everything, what does that mean for the “Reverend” Fred Phelps’s enjoyment of eternal love? Let’s fagsplore.

Read more at http://wonkette.com/#CgWjy5TmlYtUYh1z.99

Fred Phelps Is In Heaven Now, Calling The Apostles Faggots

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Wait, you are saying, how could the world’s most out-and-proud bigot, who purposely inflicted emotional pain on the innocent, be in HEAVEN? Wonket, this must be that “satire” or “snark” of which we’ve heard so much?

Sorry dudes, but according to our junior high nuns, if you act according to your sincere beliefs, you are not a sinner, and you get to enjoy eternal bliss at the feet of the Father, whether you are Catholic, Hindoo, Godless atheist, or Fred Phelps. And if Fred Phelps did anything, it was act according to his sincere beliefs. Since our nuns — who showed us Romero, told us sex was a beautiful gift from a loving God, and were general all-around-communists who were right about everything — were obviously (like we just said) right about everything, what does that mean for the “Reverend” Fred Phelps’s enjoyment of eternal love? Let’s fagsplore.


Read more at http://wonkette.com/#CgWjy5TmlYtUYh1z.99



Bryan Fischer Has Exciting Theory: Constitution Only Allows Laws God Would Approve Of
by Doktor Zoom


Would you believe that we have not brought you the thought-like pronouncements of the American Patriarchy Association’s Bryan Fischer since December? Too long! And it seems that Mr. Fischer has continued a little further down the tracks that he was laying last time, when he said that the First Amendment only applies to Christians, because the Constitution is a magically Christian document (and it also includes Christmas, because “any date with A.D” = Jesus). So now, Fischer has just plain decided that since the words “separation of church and state” don’t actually appear in the Constitution, U.S. America is actually a theocracy, just like the Founding Pastors wanted it to be. And therefore, the only laws that can actually be passed are laws that God approves of, and the Supreme Court be damned (which they already are, you just know it). It’s kind of cool to see someone simply reject what the rest of us drones call reality and develop their own Unified Theory of Derp

Read more at http://wonkette.com/#CgWjy5TmlYtUYh1z.99

Bryan Fischer Has Exciting Theory: Constitution Only Allows Laws God Would Approve Of

by Doktor Zoom

Would you believe that we have not brought you the thought-like pronouncements of the American Patriarchy Association’s Bryan Fischer since December? Too long! And it seems that Mr. Fischer has continued a little further down the tracks that he was laying last time, when he said that the First Amendment only applies to Christians, because the Constitution is a magically Christian document (and it also includes Christmas, because “any date with A.D” = Jesus). So now, Fischer has just plain decided that since the words “separation of church and state” don’t actually appear in the Constitution, U.S. America is actually a theocracy, just like the Founding Pastors wanted it to be. And therefore, the only laws that can actually be passed are laws that God approves of, and the Supreme Court be damned (which they already are, you just know it). It’s kind of cool to see someone simply reject what the rest of us drones call reality and develop their own Unified Theory of Derp


Read more at http://wonkette.com/#CgWjy5TmlYtUYh1z.99



Stop Hurting Kansas Police Officers’ Fists With Your Face!
by snipy



Kansas Legislature, we are beginning to think we do not like you very much. Scratch that. We are well on the way to loathing you. First you wanted a law that made it super easy for teachers to spank children, even if they were over the age of 18. Then you decided that you should arrest those same teachers if they whispered one word to your children about sex. Then you tried to make sure you can keep underfunding your already-underfunded school districts. Now you’ve switched your focus from being narrowly terrible to schools to being terrible to, potentially, everyone.

A Kansas bill being considered by the House Standing Committee on Corrections and Juvenile Justice would give police the power to arrest people who file complaints against officers if those allegations were proven false. […]
And the measure would prevent any other law enforcement agency from taking up the investigation once it had been closed.


Read more at http://wonkette.com/#CgWjy5TmlYtUYh1z.99

Stop Hurting Kansas Police Officers’ Fists With Your Face!

by snipy

Kansas Legislature, we are beginning to think we do not like you very much. Scratch that. We are well on the way to loathing you. First you wanted a law that made it super easy for teachers to spank children, even if they were over the age of 18. Then you decided that you should arrest those same teachers if they whispered one word to your children about sex. Then you tried to make sure you can keep underfunding your already-underfunded school districts. Now you’ve switched your focus from being narrowly terrible to schools to being terrible to, potentially, everyone.

A Kansas bill being considered by the House Standing Committee on Corrections and Juvenile Justice would give police the power to arrest people who file complaints against officers if those allegations were proven false. […]

And the measure would prevent any other law enforcement agency from taking up the investigation once it had been closed.


Read more at http://wonkette.com/#CgWjy5TmlYtUYh1z.99

Jimmy Fallon Recreates Actual Obama-Putin Phone Call, Including The Songs

by Doktor Zoom

For your Clipbait this morning we bring you this important Geopolitical Satire about the continuing crisis in Ukraine, which the Daily Caller hails as an unprecedented slam against Obamacare and a scathing attack on “Obama’s feckless handling of Ukraine.” Which is to say that there is a joke in the sketch about Obamacare being unpopular. Damn, at this rate, it’s only a matter of time until Fallon just has Dennis Miller on the show all the time.

We know we should be above enjoying such broad stereotypes as much as we do, but Fallon’s full-Boris-Badenov Putin is far too much fun, even if it has next to nothing with the actual guy, who isn’t especially happy or nice at all. Dion Flynn’s Obama is pretty good, too — and as a person with a creeping unibrow, Yr Doktor Zoom is happy to see an actor with the same affliction making it onto network teevee.

READ MORE


Read more at http://wonkette.com/#CgWjy5TmlYtUYh1z.99