Bryan Fischer: Teh Gheys Can’t Be Scouts Because Scout Oath Says No Weaklings
Sorry, Homosexual America, but Bryan Fischer is thinking about You People again. By golly, it’s almost as if Bryan Fischer can’t think of many things other than gay people.
This time, the mouthpiece for the American Patriarchy Association is having kittens over the possibility that the Boy Scouts of America may vote to allow sodomites to be Scouts. Never mind that the BSA already does and always has, of course; we’re talking about the really dangerous kind of sodomites, the ones who don’t quietly pretend to be straight, you know. We don’t have any particular fondness for this little paramilitary organization, which we dropped out of after being unable to say Webelos” without breaking into fits of snickering, but if gay kids want to be Scouts, we say go for it.
Read more at http://wonkette.com/516859/bryan-fischer-teh-gheys-cant-be-scouts-because-scout-oath-says-no-weaklings#ROxKIOqiqdLqeAL6.99
Teen Korner For Teenz: Please Don’t Shoot Us Edition
Guns! Can live without ‘em, and with ‘em, well, we can’t live! I tell ya! But however much Obama and the Kommunist Youth are trying to take your second amendment gun fondling rights, you will always be able to keep your semiautomatic lead sprinklers, no matter how much we sensible people might try to grab them. However, there is a new, unmotivated threat to your crazy demands perfectly reasonable second amendment requests. That is *cue dramatic Bum Bum Bum* REASONABLE TEENZ! That’s right, we’re loud, we’re proud, and just let us get back to playing Fallout New Vegas already, jeez.
First of all, violent videogames HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH TODAY’S TOPIC. Anybody that implies they do will be prosecuted. Anybody that directly says so will be banished. Anybody that tells me in Call of Duty will be shot and their avatar will be teabagged. Hold your damn horses, next weeks kolumn will be about that very topic. The VIDEOGAMES, not the teabagging, get your mind out of the virtual gutter.
Read more at http://wonkette.com/516817/teen-korner-for-teenz-please-dont-shoot-us-edition#ImMhy0pEhmJ6z7ou.99
Remember that 1990s teevee show called The X Files, where that one good-looking cable soft-core star solved mysteries with that teensy skeptical ginger who always happened to look the other way when the crazy stuff happened, just like a pro-wrestling ref? And remember that man who smoked all the cigarettes and had all the big secrets and totally had the power to kill that cable soft-core star but never did because in his death that cable soft-core star would only become MORE POWERFUL and a MARTYR?
That cable soft-core star is exactly like Ghost Andrew Breitbart, who is also like Ghost Obi Wan Kenobi in that he always shows up in the minds of heroic young conservatives to tell them to turn off their targeting computers (“facts,” “science”) and just fire straight ahead hoping to score a one-in-a-million shot with their eyes closed (“BENGHAZI!”).
But even Ghost Andrew Breitbart sometimes does wrong. There’s a new documentary out, made by conservatives, that is supposed to just be about how good he was at the things he was good at: yelling, sweating, pretending videos that showed one thing actually showed something different.
Read more at http://wonkette.com/516853/why-does-ghost-andrew-breitbart-keep-stealing-from-the-pointer-sisters#qm7VkCuAvJUopAvw.99
Stupidest Man on the Internet Jim Hoft has a guest blogger, Mara Zebest, who is VERY VERY WORRIED about the disturbing anti-American message sent by the official White House Twitter Feed of Occupied Amercia, which she has decided depicts a “fallen Eagle.” Zebest, a self-proclaimed “Adobe Photoshop expert” who wrote Joe Arapaio’s “analysis” of Barack Obama’s birth certificate (forged, you know. She’s an expert!), is JUST ASKING:
Note the fallen Eagle (it is upside down). Is this proof of the administration’s contempt for this nation? They’ll likely claim “There’s No There There”* but was this really an accident?
Islam often makes use of symbolism to flaunt the destruction of non-believers.
Now, Obama does too.
Just what sort of monster would depict the American Bald Eagle upside down, suffering like a waterboarding victim, a turkey in a Sarah Palin Thanksgiving message, or maybe one of those idiots who bought “gravity boots” in the 1980s?
The GOPgasm over BENGHAZI!!!!!!! has officially become The Dumbest Thing That Republicans Pulled Out of Their Collective AssesTM, so we would like to invite everyone who thinks it is worse than Watergate but also thinks Benghazi is in Cuba to kindly fuck ALL the way off. Especially this Dick:
“In my past experience when we got into these situations — especially after 9/11 — we were always there, locked and loaded, ready to go on 9/11,” Cheney told Fox News Channel commentator Sean Hannity in a phone interview.
Um, yeah. That is not how we remember it. We remember how the president was warned that the terrorists were a-comin’, but he was all, like, “Shut up, I’m on summer vacation, leave me alone.”
It was an affair to set the loins of history a-quaking. The CIA and the KGB — separated by oceans, yet the power of their lust burned with a nuclear heat that fried the balls of millions. It was intoxicating: the secret rendezvous, the money, the murdering… But they were young, and things change. The KGB got married to Freedom and changed its name; the CIA got really into toy airplanes. But a love like that never really dies, and today we learned that the old flames could be back at it: RT reports that Russia’s FSB (nee KGB) has detained Ryan C. Fogle, a “3d secretary of US embassy” AND alleged CIA dude who’s accused of trying to “flip a Russian operative.” Sexxxy!
Your Wonkette remembers the last time we cared about a spy thing: It was when Russian Maxim sent us the lovely Anna Chapman, who maybe tried to bone Janet Napolitano, for the Motherland, and also because she’s fine. Meanwhile the CIA dude they caught in Russia is also hot, thinks your Editrix, and sure, he does appear to have all his limbs, he’s tan for a guy who works in Russia, and he even has all of his hair PLUS a bunch of other hair because he had at least two wigs? Apparently playing dress-up remains a big part of high-stakes international espionage.
You guys, it has been a banner fucking month to be a homosexual type person. Thus far in the merry merry month of May we’ve seen Rhode Island and Delaware go gay, but those were tiny states with laughably small land masses. It was time for a big Midwestern kind of state to step up. (Yes, yes, we know you already did it, Iowa. But you did it without the drama and grandstanding of legislative debates so too bad.) Minnesota, let’s do the damn thing:
The Minnesota Senate Monday voted to legalize same-sex marriage, sending the measure to Gov. Mark Dayton, who plans to sign it into law in a ceremony Tuesday evening.
The Senate’s 37-30 vote came three days after the House also approved the legislation allowing same-sex couples to be legally married in the state.
True fact: this particular segment of yr Wonkette is a ghey lesbian Minnesotan and we vaguely promised the Editrix we’d blog about this as it happened but…best-laid plans, mice, men, liquor. We did, however, watch the entirety of the Senate debate at ye olde local ghey watering hole, and we believe we can recall enough to recap it here:
Republicans: God doesn’t want this because hellfire brimstone something something blah blah.
Democrats: God totally wants this because love love something something blah blah.
Wash. Rinse. Repeat for approximately 4 hours.
Since “competition” and “efficiency” and “unit cost” are key to success in international trade and to maintaining the prosperous lifestyle we all enjoy in today’s modern America of today, it’s not too big a surprise that U.S. retailers might balk at anything that would make their costs go up. That’s just the Free Market, right? And so if, from time to time, a garment factory catches fire or collapses or is knocked over by a strong breeze, that kind of sucks for the people who die, but it’s not like WE bear any responsibility, we didn’t know, and we don’t really want to know, do we? (Quick check…Yr Doktor Zoom’s t-shirt was hecho en Mexico and his jeans were… uh-oh… made in Bangladesh? Crap. Looks like it’s another No-Pants Tuesday!)
But following the factory collapse in Bangladesh that killed 1,127 people, there are some hopeful signs that conditions may start changing: Bangladesh will “allow the country’s garment workers to form trade unions without permission from factory owners,” which is awfully nice of them, and the world’s largest buyer of garments from Bangladesh, H&M, has announced it will sign on to an agreement requiring factories it buys from to meet enforceable fire and building safety standards. So, progress! Except that a couple of U.S. America’s biggest retailers, the Gap and Wal-Mart, are still holding out on signing the agreement.
Well, this is … this is … we don’t even … FUCK!
So, there is a bit of kerfuffle and a hullabaloo about the Department of Justice getting a very narrow slice of two months’ worth of phone records from AP while investigating a leak. For context, Fox News has asked for Alberto Gonzales’s thoughts on the matter, as he is something of an expert, having been promoted to Attorney General after he was White House Counsel when Karl Rove’s chief of staff, Scooter Libby, leaked the name of an undercover CIA agent to Robert Novak, god rest his soul in hell. Gonzales’s thoughts on this are … FUCK!
Former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, who served in the Bush administration, said Tuesday that the Justice Department is “obligated” to investigate leaks of classified information that may pose a threat to national security. Gonzales, however, declined to elaborate further, noting that the facts of the DOJ’s investigation are still emerging.
Gonzales called such probes “fairly unusual,” but said they are necessary if information given to journalists relates to “something that is threatening the national security of our country or the lives of American citizens.
“Let’s say that a publication runs a story identifying the names of CIA agents overseas,” Gonzales told FoxNews.com. “Obviously that’s a violation of law and a serious breach of national security. In that case, the department would feel obligated to do everything it possibly could to uncover the leak.”
We don’t even … we don’t even … FUCK!