Michelle Obama Will Cram Gay Sportsball Player Down America’s Throat During State Of The Union
by snipy


 Were you hoping for a complete wingnut implosion over this year’s State of the Union? Oh come on of course you were, because otherwise that thing is just so boring. You really need something like a “YOU LIE” or baby Scalia aka Sam Alito eye roll to make your night complete. This year, expect maximum levels of freakout over the fact that a blackity black black gay sportsball player is going to sit in the Presidential Box with Michelle Obama during the SOTU.

First Lady Michelle Obama’s guest list for her husband’s State of the Union Address has been released, and several members of the sports community will be in attendance. Jason Collins, the first openly gay active NBA player, and two survivors of the Boston Marathon bombing will join the first lady in the presidential box as President Obama addresses the nation on Tuesday night.

Shhh. Listen. Do you hear it? That’s the sound of a thousand inexplicably still employed right wing hacks sharpening their pencils and dulling their minds so they can use this opportunity to explain how this is just like Obama got up and dick-slapped our lord Jesus Christ right there on stage, because, as Ben Shapiro so astutely noted when Collins came out, if you refuse to use religion to shame the homosexuals, you hate God.

Read more at http://wonkette.com/#Fw0vYtLiLuoQKSl5.99

Michelle Obama Will Cram Gay Sportsball Player Down America’s Throat During State Of The Union

by snipy


Were you hoping for a complete wingnut implosion over this year’s State of the Union? Oh come on of course you were, because otherwise that thing is just so boring. You really need something like a “YOU LIE” or baby Scalia aka Sam Alito eye roll to make your night complete. This year, expect maximum levels of freakout over the fact that a blackity black black gay sportsball player is going to sit in the Presidential Box with Michelle Obama during the SOTU.

First Lady Michelle Obama’s guest list for her husband’s State of the Union Address has been released, and several members of the sports community will be in attendance. Jason Collins, the first openly gay active NBA player, and two survivors of the Boston Marathon bombing will join the first lady in the presidential box as President Obama addresses the nation on Tuesday night.

Shhh. Listen. Do you hear it? That’s the sound of a thousand inexplicably still employed right wing hacks sharpening their pencils and dulling their minds so they can use this opportunity to explain how this is just like Obama got up and dick-slapped our lord Jesus Christ right there on stage, because, as Ben Shapiro so astutely noted when Collins came out, if you refuse to use religion to shame the homosexuals, you hate God.


Read more at http://wonkette.com/#Fw0vYtLiLuoQKSl5.99



Derp Roundup: Michelle Obama Loves Subway. Time For Everyone To Stop Eating Sandwiches.
by Doktor Zoom


Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we take a wire brush to our open browser tabs and bring you the stories that are too stoopid to ignore, but not quite worth a full post on their own. We recommend washing it all down with a big swig of the reality-diluter of your choice.
First up, you may or may not have heard the shocking news that Subway, which has been pushing its sammiches as a semi-healthy alternative to Anus Burgers, has teamed up with Michelle Obama to promote healthy eating, or as the ever-charming Michelle Malkin puts it, a “partnership to make kids hate lunch at places other than schools.” And by god, there’s a Patriotic FacePlace Group called “I Reject Michelle Obama & Subway” dedicated to the sacred American right to eat crap and not exercise as a means of saying you reject liberalism. And also to post humorous photos like this:

Read more at http://wonkette.com/#GkrxmkzzTeQiA7fK.99

Derp Roundup: Michelle Obama Loves Subway. Time For Everyone To Stop Eating Sandwiches.

by Doktor Zoom

Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we take a wire brush to our open browser tabs and bring you the stories that are too stoopid to ignore, but not quite worth a full post on their own. We recommend washing it all down with a big swig of the reality-diluter of your choice.

  • First up, you may or may not have heard the shocking news that Subway, which has been pushing its sammiches as a semi-healthy alternative to Anus Burgers, has teamed up with Michelle Obama to promote healthy eating, or as the ever-charming Michelle Malkin puts it, a “partnership to make kids hate lunch at places other than schools.” And by god, there’s a Patriotic FacePlace Group called “I Reject Michelle Obama & Subway” dedicated to the sacred American right to eat crap and not exercise as a means of saying you reject liberalism. And also to post humorous photos like this:


Read more at http://wonkette.com/#GkrxmkzzTeQiA7fK.99



The Washington Times Has Found The Cause Of The Polar Vortex And It Is Michelle Obama
by snipy


 Are you part of the one-hundred-and-eleventy percent of America that is freezing right now? Have you barricaded yourself in your house and then set the house on fire, for warmth? Have you taken to wearing your pets as housecoats? Whose fault is that, hmmmmm? Is it global warming causing increasingly catastrophic weather? Is it a new ice age? Nope! It is Michelle Obama’s ravenous and careless need for sun on her bare arms, which everyone knows literally takes the sun away from you, you poor landlocked Midwestern bastard, and drops it on her sleeveless guns over in foreign Hawaii. Up until now, you weren’t sure that it was FLOTUS’ fault, though you had an inkling, but the Washington Times is here to connect the dots for you.

Read more at http://wonkette.com/#Tc78gAJS9Pg1bofa.99

The Washington Times Has Found The Cause Of The Polar Vortex And It Is Michelle Obama

by snipy


Are you part of the one-hundred-and-eleventy percent of America that is freezing right now? Have you barricaded yourself in your house and then set the house on fire, for warmth? Have you taken to wearing your pets as housecoats? Whose fault is that, hmmmmm? Is it global warming causing increasingly catastrophic weather? Is it a new ice age? Nope! It is Michelle Obama’s ravenous and careless need for sun on her bare arms, which everyone knows literally takes the sun away from you, you poor landlocked Midwestern bastard, and drops it on her sleeveless guns over in foreign Hawaii. Up until now, you weren’t sure that it was FLOTUS’ fault, though you had an inkling, but the Washington Times is here to connect the dots for you.


Read more at http://wonkette.com/#Tc78gAJS9Pg1bofa.99

Michelle Obama Now Ruining White House With Foreign Godless Pagan Un-Christian Hindu Festival Of Light

Namaste! And Happy Hindu Festival of Lights, or Diwali, Wonketteers! Did you even know that Diwali is a thing that you are missing right now if you are not of the Hindu persuasion, or maybe Michelle Obama? Because Michelle Obama, Lady of all things First, knows it is Diwali, and is hosting a ceremony today, in yet another endeavor to ruin the White House forever and ever, with her multi-culti tributes to things that are not about being a proper First Lady, like this is a country with all kinds of faiths and beliefs and diversity or something dumb and ridiculous like that.
And also, Congress has a bi-partisan resolution to make Diwali a thing that we “officially” recognize:

The First Lady will provide remarks at the White House Diwali celebration,” the White House announced on Friday. A media advisory said the festival of lights would be observed on November 5.
Meanwhile, US Senators John Cornyn and Mark R Warner, co-chairs of Senate’s bipartisan India Caucus, announced that they would introduced a bipartisan resolution in the Congress to recognise the religious and historical significance of Diwali.
The resolution honours an important tradition of Hindus, Sikhs, and Jains in the flourishing Indian-American community in the US as well as those of our partners in India, they said.

Partners in India, eh? Like, the people who we want to do a lot of international business with — this is a thing to them, so we are going to be cool about their thing? And that is how whiteys like Senators John Cornyn of Texas and Mark Warner of Virginia end up as co-chairs for the “India Caucus”? Oh well, since this is the only kind of thing y’all are really capable of in Congress any more, just, carry on we guess. 
 READ MORE 

Michelle Obama Now Ruining White House With Foreign Godless Pagan Un-Christian Hindu Festival Of Light

Namaste! And Happy Hindu Festival of Lights, or Diwali, Wonketteers! Did you even know that Diwali is a thing that you are missing right now if you are not of the Hindu persuasion, or maybe Michelle Obama? Because Michelle Obama, Lady of all things First, knows it is Diwali, and is hosting a ceremony today, in yet another endeavor to ruin the White House forever and ever, with her multi-culti tributes to things that are not about being a proper First Lady, like this is a country with all kinds of faiths and beliefs and diversity or something dumb and ridiculous like that.

And also, Congress has a bi-partisan resolution to make Diwali a thing that we “officially” recognize:

The First Lady will provide remarks at the White House Diwali celebration,” the White House announced on Friday. A media advisory said the festival of lights would be observed on November 5.

Meanwhile, US Senators John Cornyn and Mark R Warner, co-chairs of Senate’s bipartisan India Caucus, announced that they would introduced a bipartisan resolution in the Congress to recognise the religious and historical significance of Diwali.

The resolution honours an important tradition of Hindus, Sikhs, and Jains in the flourishing Indian-American community in the US as well as those of our partners in India, they said.

Partners in India, eh? Like, the people who we want to do a lot of international business with — this is a thing to them, so we are going to be cool about their thing? And that is how whiteys like Senators John Cornyn of Texas and Mark Warner of Virginia end up as co-chairs for the “India Caucus”? Oh well, since this is the only kind of thing y’all are really capable of in Congress any more, just, carry on we guess.

READ MORE 

Barack Obama As Terrible At Halloween As He Is At Everything Else

Apparently Barack Obama is as bad at Halloween as you Terrible Ones are at caption contests! (Why do you suck, Terrible Ones? WHYYYYYY?) Michelle Obama, meanwhile, at least went as a Mean Girl, with the animal ears but minus the “something slutty.”
And to make matters worse, this is a recycled photo from Halloween 2009, but it is running on the “Barack Obama” twittenfeed today. And sure, while the feed is actually run by communist front group “Organizing For Action,” it just proves how hard Barack Obama fails at Halloween.
A cool president would dress up as Spider-Man.

[Twitter]

Barack Obama As Terrible At Halloween As He Is At Everything Else

Apparently Barack Obama is as bad at Halloween as you Terrible Ones are at caption contests! (Why do you suck, Terrible Ones? WHYYYYYY?) Michelle Obama, meanwhile, at least went as a Mean Girl, with the animal ears but minus the “something slutty.”

And to make matters worse, this is a recycled photo from Halloween 2009, but it is running on the “Barack Obama” twittenfeed today. And sure, while the feed is actually run by communist front group “Organizing For Action,” it just proves how hard Barack Obama fails at Halloween.

A cool president would dress up as Spider-Man.

[Twitter]

Kanye West Wants Michelle Obama To Stop Classisming Poor Little Kim Kardashian

We have never really “gotten” Kanye West, except for that time he said George Bush doesn’t care about black people, because of how that was awesome, and it was awesome because it was true. But we are really, really not getting Kanye West today. He was speaking to Ryan Seacrest — as you do — about how his fiancee, Kim Kardashian, is the hottest — she is quite hot — and basically started free-associating about how America is classist — it is — because millionaire Kim Kardashian is not on Vogue, but Michelle Obama is on Vogue, and Kanye West will not stand for that kind of oppression against millionaire Kardashians.
READ MORE

Kanye West Wants Michelle Obama To Stop Classisming Poor Little Kim Kardashian

We have never really “gotten” Kanye West, except for that time he said George Bush doesn’t care about black people, because of how that was awesome, and it was awesome because it was true. But we are really, really not getting Kanye West today. He was speaking to Ryan Seacrest — as you do — about how his fiancee, Kim Kardashian, is the hottest — she is quite hot — and basically started free-associating about how America is classist — it is — because millionaire Kim Kardashian is not on Vogue, but Michelle Obama is on Vogue, and Kanye West will not stand for that kind of oppression against millionaire Kardashians.

READ MORE

White House Vegetable Garden Going To Seed, But Where’s The March For That?

Amid the other atrocities occurring as a result of the gummint shutdown, count the White House vegetable garden a casualty. Politico  reports on a story by food blogger Eddie Gehman Kohan, who reviews the damage:

“The vegetables filling the 1,500 square-foot plot are now rotting away on the vines and in the boxed beds, thanks to the mandate for ‘minimal maintenance’ placed on the skeletal crew of National Park Service gardeners who remain on duty at 1600 Penn.,”

Worse, gangs of squirrels, alleged to be associated with Tree Party activists, have moved aside the teensy weensy barriers around the garden and are having a field day pillaging the cherry tomatoes, as seen in the photo above. (Their itty bitty protest signs are still more accurately spelled than those outside the White House, however.)
READ MORE

White House Vegetable Garden Going To Seed, But Where’s The March For That?

Amid the other atrocities occurring as a result of the gummint shutdown, count the White House vegetable garden a casualty. Politico reports on a story by food blogger Eddie Gehman Kohan, who reviews the damage:

“The vegetables filling the 1,500 square-foot plot are now rotting away on the vines and in the boxed beds, thanks to the mandate for ‘minimal maintenance’ placed on the skeletal crew of National Park Service gardeners who remain on duty at 1600 Penn.,”

Worse, gangs of squirrels, alleged to be associated with Tree Party activists, have moved aside the teensy weensy barriers around the garden and are having a field day pillaging the cherry tomatoes, as seen in the photo above. (Their itty bitty protest signs are still more accurately spelled than those outside the White House, however.)

READ MORE

E-Book Review: Presidents Are Expensive. Why Won’t Obama Work For Free?
Conservatives have a hard time deciding what to find more shocking: the suspension of White House tours because of the sequester, or the insanely outrageous cost of having an Executive Mansion in the first place, especially if the hired help puts their unworthy feet up on the furniture. Today’s review looks at an e-book that falls in the latter camp, John F. Groom’s The 1.4 Billion Dollar Man: Costs of the Obama White House, which was actually published last September but continues to be fodder for whining by NRO and moronic speeches at CPAC, so we will call it “timely.”
Make no mistake about it: this e-book is one terrible little waste of electrons. We mourn for the senseless slaughter of ones and zeroes that otherwise could have gone into a video of a cat jumping into a box. But since this thing exists, let’s give it the mockery it so richly deserves.
At its heart, The $1.4 Billion Man is Uppity Obama Porn, that genre of polemic that portrays the president as living far beyond any rational standard of decency, both because Times Are Hard and because Who Do Those People Think They Are? Predictably, Groom compares the Obamas to Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette, because instead of doing something to help average Americans (you know, like heading off a new Depression or reforming health care), the President in this alternate reality does nothing but play golf all the time while his wife goes on one exotic vacation after another, both of them fiddling while America burns.
Read more at http://wonkette.com/506132/e-book-review-presidents-are-expensive-why-wont-obama-work-for-free#lbC6xubtT9I7kx11.99

E-Book Review: Presidents Are Expensive. Why Won’t Obama Work For Free?


Conservatives have a hard time deciding what to find more shocking: the suspension of White House tours because of the sequester, or the insanely outrageous cost of having an Executive Mansion in the first place, especially if the hired help puts their unworthy feet up on the furniture. Today’s review looks at an e-book that falls in the latter camp, John F. Groom’s The 1.4 Billion Dollar Man: Costs of the Obama White House, which was actually published last September but continues to be fodder for whining by NRO and moronic speeches at CPAC, so we will call it “timely.”

Make no mistake about it: this e-book is one terrible little waste of electrons. We mourn for the senseless slaughter of ones and zeroes that otherwise could have gone into a video of a cat jumping into a box. But since this thing exists, let’s give it the mockery it so richly deserves.

At its heart, The $1.4 Billion Man is Uppity Obama Porn, that genre of polemic that portrays the president as living far beyond any rational standard of decency, both because Times Are Hard and because Who Do Those People Think They Are? Predictably, Groom compares the Obamas to Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette, because instead of doing something to help average Americans (you know, like heading off a new Depression or reforming health care), the President in this alternate reality does nothing but play golf all the time while his wife goes on one exotic vacation after another, both of them fiddling while America burns.

Read more at http://wonkette.com/506132/e-book-review-presidents-are-expensive-why-wont-obama-work-for-free#lbC6xubtT9I7kx11.99

Michelle Obama Answers Questions On Twitter, With Predictable Results
Michelle Obama: Today I will be on Twitter taking your questions about my Let’s Move campaign! Would anyone like to ask me about it?
Wingnuts Everywhere: BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI.
Read more at http://wonkette.com/505682/michelle-obama-answers-questions-on-twitter-with-predictable-results#A3OChAVYeU7wHXtQ.99

Michelle Obama Answers Questions On Twitter, With Predictable Results


Michelle Obama: Today I will be on Twitter taking your questions about my Let’s Move campaign! Would anyone like to ask me about it?

Wingnuts Everywhere: BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI.


Read more at http://wonkette.com/505682/michelle-obama-answers-questions-on-twitter-with-predictable-results#A3OChAVYeU7wHXtQ.99

Wonkette Readers’ Inexplicable Fondness For Michelle Obama Deemed ‘Creepy,’ Cultlike

Time for the Wonkeratti to have a moment of Zoidbergian excitement: Hooray! Somebody noticed us! Of course, it was only the troglodytes at Weaselzippers, who were utterly perplexed that anyone could like Michelle Obama, what with her big butt and mannish looks and all.
One of our loose rules here at Your Wonkette is that, as the deposed tyrant put it not long ago, “We try not to delve too often into comments sections for material, because honestly.” Unless, you know, the comments are so completely beyond reason as to be hilarious. Presumably, our comments saying “she’s a pretty lady” are just as baffling to denizens of the Wingosphere, and therefore cause for derision, as their insistence that she is a boorish, fat, ghetto sasquatch appears to us. And of course, morally equivalent.
Read more at http://wonkette.com/502996/wonkette-readers-inexplicable-fondness-for-michelle-obama-deemed-creepy-cultlike#Z0qFO0P4kz5EwoPd.99

Wonkette Readers’ Inexplicable Fondness For Michelle Obama Deemed ‘Creepy,’ Cultlike

Time for the Wonkeratti to have a moment of Zoidbergian excitement: Hooray! Somebody noticed us! Of course, it was only the troglodytes at Weaselzippers, who were utterly perplexed that anyone could like Michelle Obama, what with her big butt and mannish looks and all.

One of our loose rules here at Your Wonkette is that, as the deposed tyrant put it not long ago, “We try not to delve too often into comments sections for material, because honestly.” Unless, you know, the comments are so completely beyond reason as to be hilarious. Presumably, our comments saying “she’s a pretty lady” are just as baffling to denizens of the Wingosphere, and therefore cause for derision, as their insistence that she is a boorish, fat, ghetto sasquatch appears to us. And of course, morally equivalent.


Read more at http://wonkette.com/502996/wonkette-readers-inexplicable-fondness-for-michelle-obama-deemed-creepy-cultlike#Z0qFO0P4kz5EwoPd.99