Time Traveling Obama: A Brief Review of the Evidence
by Doktor Zoom


Listen: Barack Obama has come unstuck in time. The evidence has been building for quite a while, since at least 2009, when he was being blamed for the TARP bank bailout program passed under George W. Bush. As his term progressed, it became clear that Obama was also responsible for the collapse of the housing bubble in 2007-08 and the resulting Great Recession, as well as for the military debacles in Iraq and Afghanistan. During the 2012 campaign, Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan blamed Obama for the closures of two different factories that were shuttered in 2008, before Barry’s inauguration. More recently, we have seen that his weak position on Russia’s 2008 occupation of two republics in Georgia, while largely indistinguishable from statements made by John McCain and George W. Bush, actually gave Vladimir Putin the go-ahead to invade Crimea years later. Ansd then, this morning, when Barry Bamz was announcing new sanctions against Russia, Yr Editrix heard him say “The Ukraine,” an antiquated phrasing that the President has used before. And as she took to the chatcave to call for Bamz to be INPEACHED, it all became clear to us: with all that time travelling, Barry just has trouble remembering when he is. We fully expect this discovery to win us both a Pulitzer and a Nobel in physics.

Read more at http://wonkette.com/#CgWjy5TmlYtUYh1z.99

Time Traveling Obama: A Brief Review of the Evidence

by Doktor Zoom

Listen: Barack Obama has come unstuck in time. The evidence has been building for quite a while, since at least 2009, when he was being blamed for the TARP bank bailout program passed under George W. Bush. As his term progressed, it became clear that Obama was also responsible for the collapse of the housing bubble in 2007-08 and the resulting Great Recession, as well as for the military debacles in Iraq and Afghanistan. During the 2012 campaign, Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan blamed Obama for the closures of two different factories that were shuttered in 2008, before Barry’s inauguration. More recently, we have seen that his weak position on Russia’s 2008 occupation of two republics in Georgia, while largely indistinguishable from statements made by John McCain and George W. Bush, actually gave Vladimir Putin the go-ahead to invade Crimea years later. Ansd then, this morning, when Barry Bamz was announcing new sanctions against Russia, Yr Editrix heard him say “The Ukraine,” an antiquated phrasing that the President has used before. And as she took to the chatcave to call for Bamz to be INPEACHED, it all became clear to us: with all that time travelling, Barry just has trouble remembering when he is. We fully expect this discovery to win us both a Pulitzer and a Nobel in physics.


Read more at http://wonkette.com/#CgWjy5TmlYtUYh1z.99



Barack Obama Goes On Ellen To Push His Radical Selfie-Taking Agenda
by snipy



Your president of these here United States Barack Obama visited the Ellen show today via remote, which meant that his picture weirdly floated above Ellen, twice her size, which he probably demanded because of how he is such a megalomaniac even though he is also too a weakling. Anyway, Bamz just came on Ellen to gay ram socialism down the throats of America talk about selfies, the Gap, and China.
Ellen told him she’d aimed to break his most retweeted-tweet record, which is a thing we now actually keep track of, with her EPIC OSCAR GROUP SELFIE which you have now seen one million times. Bamz told her he thought it was a cheap stunt. Though you know this was a completely scripted gentle ribbing sort of exchange, expect a right-wing blog to be argle-bargling within the next hour about how rude and disrespectful Obama is.
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Barack Obama Goes On Ellen To Push His Radical Selfie-Taking Agenda

by snipy

Your president of these here United States Barack Obama visited the Ellen show today via remote, which meant that his picture weirdly floated above Ellen, twice her size, which he probably demanded because of how he is such a megalomaniac even though he is also too a weakling. Anyway, Bamz just came on Ellen to gay ram socialism down the throats of America talk about selfies, the Gap, and China.

Ellen told him she’d aimed to break his most retweeted-tweet record, which is a thing we now actually keep track of, with her EPIC OSCAR GROUP SELFIE which you have now seen one million times. Bamz told her he thought it was a cheap stunt. Though you know this was a completely scripted gentle ribbing sort of exchange, expect a right-wing blog to be argle-bargling within the next hour about how rude and disrespectful Obama is.

READ MORE



Who Covered It Dumber? Obama Buys Pink Sweaters For The Girls
by snipy



Let’s play a new game we just invented called “Who Covered It Dumber?” Which media source was the mostest stupid about a story? Today, we will pit the New York Post against Fox News in a battle to the derp. Today’s topic: Obama shopping at the Gap.
So Obama went to the Gap last week to highlight the company raising their starting wage to $9 per hour, which is a thing that normal people agree is a nice thing, and smart people agree is still not nearly enough to live on. The Post’s story actually does cover that important thing, but the people in the New York Post Cover Department decided that the REAL story here was Obama’s extreme girlyman behavior in touching a pink sweater.
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Who Covered It Dumber? Obama Buys Pink Sweaters For The Girls

by snipy

Let’s play a new game we just invented called “Who Covered It Dumber?” Which media source was the mostest stupid about a story? Today, we will pit the New York Post against Fox News in a battle to the derp. Today’s topic: Obama shopping at the Gap.

So Obama went to the Gap last week to highlight the company raising their starting wage to $9 per hour, which is a thing that normal people agree is a nice thing, and smart people agree is still not nearly enough to live on. The Post’s story actually does cover that important thing, but the people in the New York Post Cover Department decided that the REAL story here was Obama’s extreme girlyman behavior in touching a pink sweater.

READ MORE



Obama’s Universal Pre-K Will Teach Children To Murder Babies And Get Gay Married
by Doktor Zoom


Over at wingnut thought-leader drunktank TownHall.com yesterday, CNS News editor Terry Jeffrey explained the real reason Barack Obama wants universal pre-K: it doesn’t have anything to do with education; Obama just wants to indoctrinate children at ever-younger ages by making sure that children “spend most of their waking hours with members of a government teachers union rather than with their moms,” because “What Obama wants, quite literally, is their souls.” Presumably, he needs to consume them to maintain his human form.

Read more at http://wonkette.com/#m5Tgydz4PK3tJCXA.99

Obama’s Universal Pre-K Will Teach Children To Murder Babies And Get Gay Married

by Doktor Zoom

Over at wingnut thought-leader drunktank TownHall.com yesterday, CNS News editor Terry Jeffrey explained the real reason Barack Obama wants universal pre-K: it doesn’t have anything to do with education; Obama just wants to indoctrinate children at ever-younger ages by making sure that children “spend most of their waking hours with members of a government teachers union rather than with their moms,” because “What Obama wants, quite literally, is their souls.” Presumably, he needs to consume them to maintain his human form.


Read more at http://wonkette.com/#m5Tgydz4PK3tJCXA.99



Sarah Palin Pallin’ Around With Rabid Insanity Again
by Doktor Zoom


Here’s a huge surprise: Sarah Palin is nauseated and disgusted that Barack Obama is “Palling Around with [a] Cop-Killer Advocate” who she can’t even name, because the nominee she’s referring to, Debo Adegbile, is just too disgusting and horrifying to even mention, and is also quite blackity-blackblackblack, but that is definitely not the issue here, because only black people play the race card. Says Sarah (or her ghostwriter? This sounds mean enough to be the real deal):

You know evil reigns when America’s “leader” gives full-throated support for a cop-killer advocate. Obama wants this guy to help run the Department of Justice.

Now, what is a “cop-killer advocate?” It’s clearly someone who advocates killing cops, right? Which is exactly what you are advocating if you helped in any way with defending a cop killer. As we’ve already noted today, Adegbile’s advocacy of cop-killing consisted of helping to file a brief in one of Mumia Abu-Jamal’s appeals, which for almost-Vice-President Palin is pretty much the same as shooting cops himself.

Read more at http://wonkette.com/#Xq9P4BftmvMo4Rm0.99

Sarah Palin Pallin’ Around With Rabid Insanity Again

by Doktor Zoom

Here’s a huge surprise: Sarah Palin is nauseated and disgusted that Barack Obama is “Palling Around with [a] Cop-Killer Advocate” who she can’t even name, because the nominee she’s referring to, Debo Adegbile, is just too disgusting and horrifying to even mention, and is also quite blackity-blackblackblack, but that is definitely not the issue here, because only black people play the race card. Says Sarah (or her ghostwriter? This sounds mean enough to be the real deal):

You know evil reigns when America’s “leader” gives full-throated support for a cop-killer advocate. Obama wants this guy to help run the Department of Justice.

Now, what is a “cop-killer advocate?” It’s clearly someone who advocates killing cops, right? Which is exactly what you are advocating if you helped in any way with defending a cop killer. As we’ve already noted today, Adegbile’s advocacy of cop-killing consisted of helping to file a brief in one of Mumia Abu-Jamal’s appeals, which for almost-Vice-President Palin is pretty much the same as shooting cops himself.


Read more at http://wonkette.com/#Xq9P4BftmvMo4Rm0.99



Senate Decides That Lawyers Who Defend Criminals Shouldn’t Really Be Lawyers
by snipy


Is your Twitter timeline full of nothing but the Senate failing to confirm Debo Adegbile? Are you having to cut and paste Debo Adegbile over and over to tweet about it, because you won’t remember how to spell it? US TOO. But let’s be honest: the fact that Dems crossed the aisle to vote against a super-qualified Obama nominee to head the Justice Department’s Civil Rights Division is some unrelenting bullshit.
First, let’s lawsplain who the heck Debo Adegbile is. He’s one of the leading civil rights lawyers of the last 15 years, having been a big wheel at the NAACP’s Legal Defense Fund and arguing a Voting Rights Act case at the Supreme Court. Also, too, he was on Sesame Street as a kid, which alone should be enough reason to confirm him to King of The Senate or whatever else he wants. So, super good candidate to deal with Civil Rights issues, right? Haha no of course not because back in the day Adegbile had the goddamn gall to help file a post-conviction brief about improper jury instructions in the notorious Mumia Abu-Jamal case, where Mumia was convicted of murdering a police officer. HE HELPED WITH A BRIEF. THE UNSPEAKABLE HORROR.

Read more at http://wonkette.com/#Xq9P4BftmvMo4Rm0.99

Senate Decides That Lawyers Who Defend Criminals Shouldn’t Really Be Lawyers

by snipy

Is your Twitter timeline full of nothing but the Senate failing to confirm Debo Adegbile? Are you having to cut and paste Debo Adegbile over and over to tweet about it, because you won’t remember how to spell it? US TOO. But let’s be honest: the fact that Dems crossed the aisle to vote against a super-qualified Obama nominee to head the Justice Department’s Civil Rights Division is some unrelenting bullshit.

First, let’s lawsplain who the heck Debo Adegbile is. He’s one of the leading civil rights lawyers of the last 15 years, having been a big wheel at the NAACP’s Legal Defense Fund and arguing a Voting Rights Act case at the Supreme Court. Also, too, he was on Sesame Street as a kid, which alone should be enough reason to confirm him to King of The Senate or whatever else he wants. So, super good candidate to deal with Civil Rights issues, right? Haha no of course not because back in the day Adegbile had the goddamn gall to help file a post-conviction brief about improper jury instructions in the notorious Mumia Abu-Jamal case, where Mumia was convicted of murdering a police officer. HE HELPED WITH A BRIEF. THE UNSPEAKABLE HORROR.


Read more at http://wonkette.com/#Xq9P4BftmvMo4Rm0.99



Michele Bachmann So Disappointed American Jews Don’t Recognize That Obama Is The Antichrist
by Doktor Zoom


Like a lot of your rightwing fundagelicals, Michele Bachmann is a big believer in the old Chick tract “Support Your Local Jew,” so she knows that the most important country in the world, next to maybe America, is Israel, because that’s where Jesus will come to end the world. And so if Israel is unhappy about an American policy, that’s not just international politics, that’s an affront to God. Which explains why ol’ Crazy Eyes is especially ticked at American Jews for not recognizing the self-evident truth that Barack Obama is bad for the Jews. You see, Obama went and reached a preliminary nuclear deal with Iran, and then he went and manage to convince Congress not to vote for any new sanctions on Iran while negotiators try to reach a permanent deal. This did not sit well with Michele Bachmann, protector of Israel — in fact, it’s a chaleria that so many Jews voted for the gonif.

Read more at http://wonkette.com/#XLSyqb3LyVC1RAwb.99

Michele Bachmann So Disappointed American Jews Don’t Recognize That Obama Is The Antichrist

by Doktor Zoom

Like a lot of your rightwing fundagelicals, Michele Bachmann is a big believer in the old Chick tract “Support Your Local Jew,” so she knows that the most important country in the world, next to maybe America, is Israel, because that’s where Jesus will come to end the world. And so if Israel is unhappy about an American policy, that’s not just international politics, that’s an affront to God. Which explains why ol’ Crazy Eyes is especially ticked at American Jews for not recognizing the self-evident truth that Barack Obama is bad for the Jews. You see, Obama went and reached a preliminary nuclear deal with Iran, and then he went and manage to convince Congress not to vote for any new sanctions on Iran while negotiators try to reach a permanent deal. This did not sit well with Michele Bachmann, protector of Israel — in fact, it’s a chaleria that so many Jews voted for the gonif.


Read more at http://wonkette.com/#XLSyqb3LyVC1RAwb.99



North Carolina Congressional Freshman Declares Barack Obama Terrorist Enemy Number One
by Doktor Zoom


We aren’t even sure that it’s news any more when a Republican says that the President of the United States is the worstest most horrible person ever, because that is like printed on GOP letterhead by now, isn’t it? Still, this seems like maybe it’s a new click of the old “He’s not one of us!” hyperbole ratchet, possibly: North Carolina Congressn00b Robert Pittenger has sent out a fundraising letter warning that the POTUS is actually an enemy of the United States of America:

You see, I am already on the front lines, taking seriously my oath of office: to defend the U.S. Constitution — and you and your fellow Americans — against all enemies, foreign and domestic. And for that I am being attacked from all sides, including from my fellow Republicans. My friend, make no mistake, Barack Obama is Enemy Number One!

Is this new? Maybe just a teensy step over the line? Honestly, we think it might actually be a novelty, in that it’s not some blogger somewhere, but an actual member of Congress, the guy who chairs the Congressional Terrorism Task Force, who’s saying not merely that Obama should be impeached, but that he is an actual enemy of the nation, and a worse enemy than, say, al Qaeda. Correct us if we’re wrong, but that feels like a new one.

Read more at http://wonkette.com/#mbwHeKe18mpwJFhC.99

North Carolina Congressional Freshman Declares Barack Obama Terrorist Enemy Number One

by Doktor Zoom

We aren’t even sure that it’s news any more when a Republican says that the President of the United States is the worstest most horrible person ever, because that is like printed on GOP letterhead by now, isn’t it? Still, this seems like maybe it’s a new click of the old “He’s not one of us!” hyperbole ratchet, possibly: North Carolina Congressn00b Robert Pittenger has sent out a fundraising letter warning that the POTUS is actually an enemy of the United States of America:

You see, I am already on the front lines, taking seriously my oath of office: to defend the U.S. Constitution — and you and your fellow Americans — against all enemies, foreign and domestic. And for that I am being attacked from all sides, including from my fellow Republicans. My friend, make no mistake, Barack Obama is Enemy Number One!

Is this new? Maybe just a teensy step over the line? Honestly, we think it might actually be a novelty, in that it’s not some blogger somewhere, but an actual member of Congress, the guy who chairs the Congressional Terrorism Task Force, who’s saying not merely that Obama should be impeached, but that he is an actual enemy of the nation, and a worse enemy than, say, al Qaeda. Correct us if we’re wrong, but that feels like a new one.


Read more at http://wonkette.com/#mbwHeKe18mpwJFhC.99



Sarah Palin Wishes Manly Vladimir Putin Could Be Our President Instead
by Doktor Zoom


America, it turns out that in addition to knowing the mind of Vladimir Putin so well that she can predict his next move and only be off by five or six years, Sarah Palin also thinks that the big Russian dictator is packing a real wallop in his pants. Especially when compared to the President of the United States, who is a wimpy little 97-pound weakling. Talking with fellow foreign policy wunderkind Sean Hannity on Fox Monday, Palin explained that it’ll take more than Barack Obama’s Low-T feminine wiles to contain that wonderful beast Putin:

“Look, the perception of Obama, of him and his potency across the world is one of such weakness … People are looking at Putin as one who wrestles bears and drills for oil. They look at our president as one who wears mom jeans and equivocates and bloviates.”

It is believed that, immediately following the interview, Lloyd’s of London declared the half-term governor’s panties to be a total loss.

Read more at http://wonkette.com/#mbwHeKe18mpwJFhC.99

Sarah Palin Wishes Manly Vladimir Putin Could Be Our President Instead

by Doktor Zoom

America, it turns out that in addition to knowing the mind of Vladimir Putin so well that she can predict his next move and only be off by five or six years, Sarah Palin also thinks that the big Russian dictator is packing a real wallop in his pants. Especially when compared to the President of the United States, who is a wimpy little 97-pound weakling. Talking with fellow foreign policy wunderkind Sean Hannity on Fox Monday, Palin explained that it’ll take more than Barack Obama’s Low-T feminine wiles to contain that wonderful beast Putin:

“Look, the perception of Obama, of him and his potency across the world is one of such weakness … People are looking at Putin as one who wrestles bears and drills for oil. They look at our president as one who wears mom jeans and equivocates and bloviates.”

It is believed that, immediately following the interview, Lloyd’s of London declared the half-term governor’s panties to be a total loss.


Read more at http://wonkette.com/#mbwHeKe18mpwJFhC.99

Victoria Jackson Makes Compelling Case For More Than Zero Rehearsals

by Doktor Zoom

Ladies and Gentlemen, here is Victoria Jackson, your next County Commissioner for Williamson County, Tennessee, singing a song that’s straight from the teabagger id, all about Barack Obama and how he is coming to take away everything from you, leaving you nothing but food stamps and teensy-tiny drawings of genitals. It’s a catchy little ditzy ditty that she was so excited to have written that she just had to get it on YouTube immediately, without actually remembering all the words or anything.

The first couple of stanzas are awful enough, though they don’t make a heck of a lot of sense — apparently Obama is a communist, and one of the worst thing he’s done is that he’s “messed up Medicare and Medicaid and Social Security” too. So those socialist programs were working just fine before Barry Bamz got his “Marxist Muslim” hands on them? (Yes, we know, we have now given this song more though than its author did.)


Read more at http://wonkette.com/#mbwHeKe18mpwJFhC.99